Two weeks ago I got stressed. I’m high strung to begin with. But I have a a friend who drives me round the bend others that I broke up with and parents who are quite impossible. Everything and everyone… is out to punish me.
Don’t worry – I see it too. It’s not the world it’s me. The way I view the world, how much I value myself and fear are the real problems. The world is just an innocent bystander in the accident I’ve made of my life. So much drama, so much pain. There are random moments when I will hold my breath. I’ll be thinking if only I could pass out. Just let go in this moment by sheer determination, I would. In this state of breathlessness I can continue conversations and do work – it’s quite a feat. I wont remember a word you say to me you understand due to the lack of oxygen to the brain … but I still look like a partially functioning human being. Why am I telling you all this. why am I airing out the laundry. So you can see just how far down I really am. This me is leaps and bounds more healed than the girl I was 10 years ago, and still… I’ve given myself 2 months to be awesome. Don’t ask what I’ll do if I don’t achieve the goal, we’ll cross over that bridge when the time comes. For now, like a parched man in the dessert I open my mouth, throw my head back and plead for a sip of awesome. You know what I have a wet metaphor that works far better.
When I was 10 I tried to teach my middleaged aunt how to swim. My silly 10 year old self held my aunt and spider crawl the wall to the deep end. Floating there I then drew her across the width of the pool toward the wall across from us. Half way there she panicked, flailed her arms and dug into my shoulders with her nails. We went down. She held me tight to her, the more I fought to swim to the surface, the more she clung to my body, trapping my limbs. My cousin fished us out in the end which is why I’m sitting here today typing away. I’ve had quite a few encounters like that. So many in fact that I’m beginning to think someone wants me to stick around.
Enough is enough. This is not one of those effervescent oooh, let’s go get ’em tigers blog. This is my life. This is me and I can be a grump. I’m funny too though. I’m a bit lazy but I’m hellava determined and a hard worker if I’m motivated enough. Or if we make a bet. I love bets.
What does this have to do with Attitude is Everything?
After my drama of the week before I decided I By golly I would try. Plan A – Figure out how to be awesome. I set off to Barnes and Nobels in hopes of finding a book with just that.
I got home and thumbed through it. I couldn’t imagine sitting down and reading it. So I decided to downloaded it off Itunes.
I listened for about 2 hours. His voice is not very convincing. It’s too … awesome. I felt like I was being sold some car insurance. I’ll try again, don’t worry. Haha… talk about not wanting solutions even when they are are right in front of your face.
I went back to itunes, I had just come back from Orlando and Keri Nobel “Pages” was stuck in my head. I desperately wanted to get a copy. So I
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typed in nobel and hit ‘search’ on the Google. Little beknownst to me it pulled up a song called ” attitude is everything” by Leah Nobel. Coincidence? My name is Lee too. I think not. I hit download.
All I can say is… here was the beginning. This song, this moment, my ipod on replay.
This was written way back when August 15th 2010, and to tell the truth everything really is awesome now. My function and my purpose is happiness.
- The million self help books I read on diet, spirituality, motivation and purpose.
- Running the Couch to 5km
- Listening to happy happy uplifting music (mostly country, classical and the Hannah Montana Pandora channel) You have my permission to roll your eyes 🙂
- Journaling and blogging
- Dancing like I’ve been stung by a bee
- Letting go and forgiving – no one determines my mood, no situation and nothing from my past, memories are just that. They have no power
- A Course in Miracles
- A 3 month course of life coaching
- A holiday in Mexico
- That day I cried for 8 hours straight
- Leverage (the television show) and Glee
- All the love love love my parents shower on me unconditionally
- My wonderful friends who have stuck by me through all the lows and now the highs